She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
