Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
