it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I wish you could order shots online.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
