I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
