How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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