New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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