The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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