woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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