shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
