He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
