god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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