so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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