My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
