I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
