Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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