So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
