Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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