I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
