either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
being pregnant is like rehab
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
