So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
