We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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