your thong is hanging out like whoa
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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