life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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