Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
