Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
