I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
