Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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