I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
