Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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