Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
