We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
