actually, I'm a sock model
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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