totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You pole danced in your parka.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
