I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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