I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
