She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
