im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
