I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize