I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize