I can tuck mytits in my pants
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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