Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
