I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We were destined to go to rehab together
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
