Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
