I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
