i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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