I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
