I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
