if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
