are you so shy because you have an std?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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