my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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