Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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