There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
