You work out of a Hotel?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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