I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
