maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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