I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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