i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
