i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
