Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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