she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
